Ramp Retards

I know, I know, it’s not OK to use that word. But if any of you had seen the inaugural display on OS’s new half-pipe, you’d have to agree the only appropriate word is RETARDED.

There was so much retardation on display that a whole new branch of study has been opened up – retardology. I’ll briefly walk you through the initial findings of the burgeoning field:

First, we have Pro-Magnon. He bears a striking resemblance to Cro-Magnon, but believes through the use of excessive Pro-Tec padding that he can one day become a professional ramp skater.



Then there’s Homo-Erection. He is cognizant of his inability on the ramp, but believes he can overcome any deficiencies through a highly attuned sense of style. Take note of his pink Converse, tight black jeans and Palestinian scarf.



Next we have Little Big Foot. Having somewhat adapted to modern life, Little Big Foot now hides his fur-covered body beneath denim. But don’t be fooled, his lack of higher reasoning can be seen in his use of a bike helmet instead of a skating helmet. LBF is also sometimes referred to as Icky Icarus, as he flies high to the coping but clearly has no idea what to do once there.



This photo is a rare sighting of the Duckfoot Splatterpus. His name is derived from his highly unique stance on the board and his propensity to put body to plywood. Not long after this photo, Duckfoot was seen walking into the kitchen and cursing the ramp as he resumed his position on the couch.



Finally, we have the Missing Link. After many rumored spottings, the Missing Link was finally captured on film. Unfortunately, no action shots were taken. If there had been, viewers would have been treated to a flowing, graceful display that clearly marks the link between the aforementioned retards and the competent, non-retarded skaters they’d like to become.