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Location: Los Angeles, California, United States

Old enough to know better. Young enough to do it anyways.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Ramp Retards

I know, I know, it’s not OK to use that word. But if any of you had seen the inaugural display on OS’s new half-pipe, you’d have to agree the only appropriate word is RETARDED.

There was so much retardation on display that a whole new branch of study has been opened up – retardology. I’ll briefly walk you through the initial findings of the burgeoning field:

First, we have Pro-Magnon. He bears a striking resemblance to Cro-Magnon, but believes through the use of excessive Pro-Tec padding that he can one day become a professional ramp skater.

Then there’s Homo-Erection. He is cognizant of his inability on the ramp, but believes he can overcome any deficiencies through a highly attuned sense of style. Take note of his pink Converse, tight black jeans and Palestinian scarf.

Next we have Little Big Foot. Having somewhat adapted to modern life, Little Big Foot now hides his fur-covered body beneath denim. But don’t be fooled, his lack of higher reasoning can be seen in his use of a bike helmet instead of a skating helmet. LBF is also sometimes referred to as Icky Icarus, as he flies high to the coping but clearly has no idea what to do once there.

This photo is a rare sighting of the Duckfoot Splatterpus. His name is derived from his highly unique stance on the board and his propensity to put body to plywood. Not long after this photo, Duckfoot was seen walking into the kitchen and cursing the ramp as he resumed his position on the couch.

Finally, we have the Missing Link. After many rumored spottings, the Missing Link was finally captured on film. Unfortunately, no action shots were taken. If there had been, viewers would have been treated to a flowing, graceful display that clearly marks the link between the aforementioned retards and the competent, non-retarded skaters they’d like to become.


Blogger Foul Pete said...

When do we get to skate it?

7:41 AM  
Blogger OS said...

G...I woke up this morning to find a thin layer of ice formed on the ramp...made me realize that the possibilities of ramp retardation are endless. are more than welcome to come over an skate whenever you want on two conditions:

1. You sign the nine page liability waver that Nash will soon be drafting.

2. No snickering, laughing and/or pointing with hand over mouth at those of us less vertically inclined.


9:45 AM  
Blogger Foul Pete said...

I'm ok with #2...

10:31 AM  
Blogger G said...

We might have to handicap the ramp for those who will clearly emabarrass us. Foul and the like can only ride the ramp after having consumed at least a 40 oz and/or with a blindfold.

11:28 AM  
Blogger Chum said...

Touche Douche,

Had you been around and not picking up your ball and chain, you would have noted that marked improvement I made over the next hour. I hit the coping, bro! You can't put a pic of me at the lowly point on the ramp... ok, maybe you can, but you're right - I do look pretty good. New Years resolution accomplished.

12:03 PM  
Blogger Foul Pete said...

chum, you hit a grind already?

you lads will be ready for pier park before you know it. seriously though, there are lots of mellower parks. and there are so many of them it is pretty easy to find a quite session. imagine having your choice of a dozen or so guranteed perfect surf spots within a two hour drive, well that is portland for skateboarding... when it is dry.

be glad to show you all some of them.

9:33 AM  
Blogger G said...

I'd gladly take you up on the offer. It's been years since I skated, but it's slowly coming back. Let's hit some parks soon. But not this weekend. This weekend is for surfing. You heading out, Fouly?

Chum and I put in a few hours on the ramp yesterday. It was a bit wet, but fortunately my hips and wrists were there to break my falls.

9:59 AM  
Blogger G said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:59 AM  
Blogger Foul Pete said...

Yeah, I'm heading out tomorrow and then again on Tues. On Dad duty Sat/sun... Could be prime winter surf conditions for the next few days.

Down to skate whenever, especially when the days get longer after work...

12:58 PM  
Blogger G said...

Where you heading tomorrow? Chum and I are rolling in the afternoon. Either hit Politically Correct or SS, or maybe Viewbar.

4:13 PM  
Blogger Foul Pete said...

Tomorrow early at Old Faithfuls or Old Man's. Leaving at 6am.

4:22 PM  
Blogger Chum said...

We have to spot check Oster Sized on our way up the coast, pabst Bar Brew (unlike Noah, I've never passed the Bar), maybe have a looky at Kneel-Upon-Me Rivermouth and then on up to Old Mans.

Hope we see you along the way...

4:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

portland looks like peter pan land. i dig it. wish i could afford the plane ticket to come over and school you guys on the ramp. ever heard of the 180 suk-a-licious? i coined that one back in '86.

8:29 PM  
Blogger G said...

Well, well, well, I didn't realize these were Shark infested waters. One Speed has done his best to turn his house into Neveland, complete with half-pipe, band room, ping pong, darts and tv room. So if you ever make the journey bring your leisure sports game and, of course, your leisure suit. I've never heard of the 180 suk-a-licious, but if it's anything like the Air Suk I'll make sure to duck and cover.

10:03 AM  
Blogger dave rich said...

i cant skate worth a shit

2:33 PM  
Blogger Nash said...

Dudes, from now on OS is dead to me...long live Pro-Magnon. That is some funny shite. Next dry spell I would love to come over and make a fool of myself trying to relive past glory.

5:38 PM  

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